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THE GAP
THE STORE, GAP, IS THUSLY CALLED BECAUSE IT USES FASHION TO BRDIGE THE GAP BETWEEN
GENERATIONS. HERE THE FAMILY GROOVE INTENDS TO DO THE SAME—KHAKIS SOLD SEPRATELY.
Grandparents—the names says it all. They are our children's favorite people, giving them boundless love, life lessons,
history—and sweets, too. For us, they are often our most trusted caregivers and our biggest source of support and
in-the-pinch relief. Yet, sometimes they are also our worst critics and biggest source of contention within the nuclear
family. Here Martha Farrell Erickson, Ph.D. discusses the evolving institution known as Grandparents and gives us her
sage advice on how to build a bridge of your own.
THE FAMILY GROOVE: What is the role of the grandparent in today's modern family? What does it mean to be a grandparent?
Martha Farrell Erickson, Ph.D.: In today’s society the role of the grandparent is somewhat in flux for several reasons. First, with the majority of mothers of young children now in the workforce, grandparents often are playing an important childcare role if they live in the same community with their adult children and grandchildren. At the same time, many extended families are scattered all over the country (or even around the world), which means many children and grandchildren are not having frequent face-to-face contact. However, the ease of electronic communication facilitates connections for many of those families. Another phenomenon in today’s world is that an increasing number of grandparents actually are raising their grandchildren, often because of parental drug abuse or mental illness. (I see this often in my work with high-risk families living in chronic poverty.)
So, what does it mean to be a grandparent? It means that you are in a wonderful position to be part of the village of caring, supportive adults who can help a child grow up to be a responsible, caring, happy adult. Having adults who are absolutely crazy about you is a wonderful thing for a child, and what a perfect role for a grandparent. Speaking as a grandparent (and I am the happy grandma of three precious little ones), I will say that the love I feel for my grandchildren absolutely knocked me off my feet. When I’m away from them for a few days, my arms ache to hold them. Also, because I’m not responsible for all their care (and don’t have the sleepless nights that their moms and dads have), I have the luxury of observing their development in a different way than I could with my own children. So I find myself delighting in a new way in each new discovery and accomplishment. I also have the joy of watching my adult children emerge as wonderful parents—perhaps the most gratifying thing I’ve ever experienced as a parent myself. On a very concrete level, I can help my kids out in a pinch and I can support them through the ups and downs of parenting and life, both of which can have an indirect effect on the wellbeing of my grandchildren. And by taking one child at a time on special outings, I not only give that child a special experience but also allow their parents to have some one-on-one time with their other child.
As the children get older, I hope I also can give them a sense of history and an example of a life fully lived. I hope they will see that even a grandma and grandpa can be silly, romantic, adventurous and all those things that make life rich.
TFG: What advice can you give grandparents when it comes to giving advice to their children?
MFE: In general, grandparents need to remember that they are not in charge. They already had their turn. Their children (now parents) are the ones to decide how the children will be raised and grandparents need to respect that. If you have a good relationship of trust and respect with your adult children, you certainly can have open discussions about what’s best for children—and be open to learning together about new information on what’s best for kids. But in general you shouldn’t offer advice unless it’s asked for and you should support the parents in the decisions they have made about how they want to raise their children.
TFG: What advice can you give parents when it comes to taking advice from their parents?
MFE: Smart parents gather all the information and wisdom they can about childrearing, and asking advice from grandma and grandpa ought to be a part of that. But, if parents decide to do something different than what grandparents recommend, they would be wise to explain that in a very respectful way. For example, saying, “I really appreciate your thoughts on this, mom and dad; but we’ve gathered a lot of other information too and have decided we’re going to do... I’ll be eager to talk with you about how it’s going.”
It’s wonderful when parents can invite grandparents to learn with them—to join them in reading new research on child development or to go to a parenting class or support group, for example. And it builds trust and respect when parents and grandparents can discuss ideas together, sharing wisdom based in experience and also being open to new insights.
TFG: How can a grandparent establish his/her role and importance in his/her grandchild's life without stepping on the toes of his/her children?
MFE: I think this is mostly a matter of communication—stating your desire to be involved in the grandchild’s life, suggesting specific ways you’d like to do that, asking the young parents for their ideas about how you can be involved (and how you can support them), and always respecting the parents’ authority to set guidelines about acceptable activities, food, behavior, etc. And if you do have a conflict with your adult children or are tempted to criticize them in any way, don’t ever do it in front of the grandchildren. A surefire way to ruin your connection with a grandchild is to undermine the child’s parent.
TFG: How does the family dynamic between parents-to-be and their parents change when baby comes into the picture?
MFE: I think for many families, this is a time when the new parents and their own parents feel closer than ever. They are sharing life’s most profound experience, after all. And they have the common bond of loving this precious new child. But for families that already have high degrees of conflict, this also can be a vulnerable time. New parents are tired, stressed and often feel overwhelmed and unsure of their competence as parents. If they perceive they are being judged by their own parents, negative feelings are magnified and multiplied. I’ve been surprised at how many people I’ve encountered in my age group who have become estranged from their adult children (and therefore denied contact with their grandchildren) after family conflicts escalated when a baby came into the picture. I feel blessed every day of my life that my own relationship with my kids (and their spouses) has only grown and deepened since our grandchildren were born.
TFG: What does today's grandparent want from his/her relationship with his/her grandchildren?
MFE: It’s hard to generalize, so I’ll speak from personal experience. I love the chance to see the world anew through a child’s eyes. My grandchildren give me a wonderful excuse to romp and play and be curious about every little thing. And the satisfaction of loving and nurturing a little child is enormous! Reading bedtime stories, singing the songs I used to sing to my own children, and having a sleepy toddler snuggle up next to me—these are things that make my other worries melt away.
I’m not sure what it will be like as my grandchildren get older, but I think the relationships we’re building now are laying the foundation for great adventures and meaningful talks in the future. And, most of all, I hope that through their relationship with me, they are learning things about themselves—and about life and love—that will be with them long after I am gone.
TFG: Having young children in their lives is an adjustment for the grandparents, too. How can grandparents open up their lives to their grandchildren, but still maintain and enjoy some well-deserved freedom and independence in their lives?
MFE: Just as parents need to prepare to have children in their lives, so do grandparents. This means setting up the physical environment of your home to be more child-friendly (and child-safe)—not always easy when you’ve been an empty-nester for a while. It also means recognizing the limits of your energy and the fact that you have the right and the responsibility to set healthy boundaries for yourself. For example, it’s up to you to decide how often you want to babysit. If you start doing things you don’t really want to do, you become resentful—and then nobody wins. As thrilled as you may be to become a grandparent, you did not sign up to raise a child again—you’ve already done that. So it’s okay to say no to requests for help—and you don't need to make an excuse or give an elaborate apology. In the long run, setting clear boundaries and communicating directly will help you build a more trusting, respectful relationship with your adult children and grandchildren. That will serve everyone’s best interests.
TFG: Why are grandparents so integral to the family unit?
MFE: Beyond the love, help and encouragement they can offer to their children and grandchildren, grandparents carry the family history, the wisdom that comes with maturity and experience, and a strong desire to leave a lasting legacy of love and strength.
Marti Erickson is Director of the Irving B. Harris Training Programs in the University of Minnesota’s Center for Early Education & Development, linking research, practice and policy in the areas of parent-child attachment, child abuse prevention and children’s mental health. Building on her research on attachment and attachment-based interventions, Marti speaks and consults extensively throughout the U.S. and abroad. The author of many academic articles and books, Marti also reaches out to general audiences each week through a syndicated newspaper column, TV news features on both KARE-TV and KSTP-TV, and a 2-hour radio talk show, Good Enough Moms, which she and her daughter, Erin Erickson Garner, co-host on Twin Cities’ WFMP Radio (FM 107.1 and, via internet, www.fm107.fm).
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