MY GOD: RAISING KIDS IN AN INTERFAITH HOME
OUR ON-CALL CHILD PYSCHIATRIST ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS ON HOW TO BEST
RAISE KIDS WHEN RELIGION'S A TOUCHY ISSUE
For most parents, it’s not uncommon to disagree—at least occasionally— when choices regarding raising children are
made. Issues like bedtime, play dates, mealtimes and even clothing can be matters of contention for many a mom and
dad. As if parenting wasn’t tough enough, when mom and dad are from different religious faiths, an entire world of new
challenges can arise. Whether it be because of a disapproving grandparent or disagreements about which holidays to
celebrate, parents in interfaith homes often experience an added layer of stress.
When making decisions regarding how to navigate these tough waters, it’s important to keep in mind that no matter which
road you take, even small children will follow their parents’ lead, consistent or otherwise, says Michael D. Kaplan, MD, a child psychiatrist in private practice and Assistant Clinical Professor at the Yale Child Study Center in New Haven, CT. “Children are great observers of parents' behaviors,” he says. Dr. Kaplan explains that children pay close attention to their parents’ actions and are more likely to follow that lead rather than follow the words their parents use.”
Below, find Dr. Kaplan’s advice on how to best negotiate a dual-religion family—this holiday season and for years to come:
THE FAMILY GROOVE: How can participating in religion/religious rituals be a beneficial part of a child or family’s life?
Dr. Michael Kaplan: This is the subject of entire TV stations. In short, rituals provide many things for a family of faith. In many ways, they can be viewed as a circle of connections: providing a connection within the family of a shared value, a connection to the broader family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc) and its history, to the external community of neighborhood and town and even beyond. The rituals help a child ground their faith in something concrete. Before the age of 10 or 12, children have limited ability to use abstract thinking. Prior to this age, the concepts of death, afterlife, God or almighty figures and even faith are very rudimentary in the lives of young children. And for families where religion is less important than rituals, the rituals also ground them and provide ways for children to participate in broader cultural events. Unfortunately, a pitfall is to allow the commercial to trump the cultural—i.e. the focus on Christmas presents superseding the faith and religious significance of the holiday. In a society where family transplantation and dislocation is all too common, religious rituals serve to keep families close and for families to find common ground with their community.
TFG: Do you recommend that prior to having children an interfaith couple discuss issues regarding how they plan to raise their children and how they will participate in religious holidays and rituals?
MK: It is very important for families to discuss these matters before they have children. It is very hard to have religion-as-you-go in families of mixed-faiths. Many rituals happen with great urgency—those surrounding birth and death in particular—and, often, such decisions must be made quickly. The rituals that surround major life transitions are difficult and stressful enough when partners are of the same faith, yet the stress can go up exponentially in a mixed-faith marriage. Additionally, the couple does not exist in a vacuum; grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles often feel they have a stake in the outcome. Planning ahead of time can help mitigate the tensions that are likely to arise.
On the other hand, for some couples, religion is an evolving part of their lives. We tend to view it in black-and-white terms: you are or you aren't. That isn't quite the case in my experience. The birth of a child often triggers for new parents a desire to return to their faith of origin, or deepen a sense of spirituality. This cannot always be planned out ahead of time. I would recommend, however, that parents set a framework or dialogue for discussing these issues and not feel compelled to have everything spelled out before hand. If a couple is open in their discussions of intimate matters (of which spirituality is one of many), then they are more likely to transcend differences when major decisions need to be made.
TFG: After a child is born, how would you recommend an interfaith couple approach incorporating different birth-oriented religious rituals into a child's the family's life?
MK: Again, each member of the couple should assess the importance of religion in their lives, but also anticipate the broader family reaction. It is important for the couple to provide a united front in the case of conflict within the family. They should remember that they are starting out their own family, and while soliciting opinions from family members can be helpful, they need to decide what feels right for them. Open communication is key. They can feel comfortable engaging in more than one ritual, if that is what suits them. Again, it doesn't need to be either/or. In fact, if they plan on celebrating holidays from different faiths, then it makes sense to start it at the beginning.
Practically speaking, the couple can seek out open-minded members of their respective religion's clergy to help decide the most sensitive way to handle these events. It is now common to have rabbis and ministers at weddings. This can be continued into the events surrounding birth rituals.
TFG: If both parents are committed to celebrating their faith’s holidays, how do you recommend an interfaith couple approach this plan with their children?
MK: Children are capable of so much more than we gave them credit for in the past. They can manage having two holidays in their homes. In fact, it can be a badge of cool. It is common to hear children boast of having Chanukah and Christmas. Keep in mind that it is not the act of having two holidays that can be confusing for children. If the parents feel conflicted about this, then it can lead to problems for their children. Again, open dialogue is key. If the couple is open, then it can flow to their children.
To teach kids about what they’ll be experiencing, I recommend checking out some of the terrific holiday-specific books that are available. There are now many books for young children that describe families that celebrate more than one holiday.
Being around other interfaith families is also helpful. Protecting the children from hostile, intrusive relatives will also add to their comfort. If parents can celebrate the two faiths in an appropriate manner and not force their children to take sides or pick their favorites, then the children will form healthy attitudes to the multiple faiths they experience at home.
TFG: How do you recommend an interfaith couple explain their choices to their disapproving parents or grandparents?
MK: This is a difficult question. The particulars make generalizations hard, but the concept I would use here is that the most important thing for children is to experience love from their parents and broader families. If parents ask “don’t you believe that it’s the most important thing for a child to experience love from all of their family members, regardless of the situation?” to a disapproving family member, it can be quite a conversation-stopper. Also, rather than become defensive, parents should acknowledge how disappointed their own parents must be, but make clear what choices they have made. They can let their families know that research has shown that this does not in any way harm children. And, if they choose to celebrate both holidays, they can use the disapproving grandparent as the teacher of that faith when celebrating that faith's holidays and rituals—it's the hug your enemy approach. This tactic may never be enough to convince them, but at least you can try. The goal may end up becoming grandparent management rather than coming to a place of mutual respect for the decisions you make.
TFG: Some couples choose to expose their children to two different faiths with the thought that one day, they'll choose the religious direction they'd like to pursue, if any. What are your thoughts on this plan?
MK: I get the sense that when people pose this question they think that this approach was the 1960s way of doing it, and that it's a notion that is frowned upon today as quaint and unrealistic—kind of like the way people used to look at living together before marriage. Actually, I think that is fine. Many families take this approach. What else would one do? Force one religion on the kids? We tend to look too closely at the interfaith families as oddities without putting them in the context of the developmental trends many people go through as they find their place in relation to faith. Even children from a unified faith family might change their religion when they become an adult or become more religious, or even renounce their faith.
When you think about it, faith, in relation to this question, is on par with all the things that parents expose children to. We expose children to art, music, sports, politics, etc. We then allow them to choose what kind of music they like, which team to cheer for, and which political party to join. In many ways, faith—in this context—is the same.
—Chelsea Kaplan
Got questions for Dr. Kaplan? Email them to Chelsea@thefamilygrove.com
