And Baby Makes Three

AND BABY MAKES THREE
THE FAMILY GROOVE TALKS TO STACIE COCKRELL, CATHY O'NEILL AND JULIA STONE,
AUTHORS OF BABYPROOFING YOUR MARRIAGE, ABOUT HOW TO PREPARE FOR—
AND SURVIVE—LIFE IN THE 'HOOD

THE FAMILY GROOVE: What do moms and dads-to-be need to know about impending parenthood?
Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill and Julia Stone: We’re all living in a global conspiracy of silence. While
having children is without question one of the most profound and beautiful experiences in life, most
of us are totally unprepared and woefully ill-equipped for parenthood—we’re like deer in the headlights.

While so many people gush over how cute the new baby is and how great you look, no one warns us about how hard it can be. The seasoned moms don’t pull the mom-to-be aside at the baby shower and say, “Your sex drive is going to go MIA,” or “Your husband will drive you nuts because he just won’t get it,” or “The sleep deprivation will bring you to your knees, girlfriend.” Instead, they say, “Cute booties!” And to make matters worse there is a tremendous lack of real information making it to the through to the fathers-to-be—and oftentimes they’re even more clueless than us, which only adds to the frustration.

We think that it’s important for couples to realize that having a baby can put a strain on the strongest of relationships. Sure, there’ll be lots of “Wow, look what we did moments” but there can be some not-so-wonderful moments, too. Moms and dads-to–be should expect to feel irritated and even downright perplexed by one another after the baby arrives. They should realize that parenthood can lead us to behave in new and even peculiar ways. Men and women often respond to parenthood differently. We call it the Great Mom/Dad Divide. That Divide can cause some conflicts between the two of you. The main thing is not to panic. This stuff is normal. You’re normal.

TFG: What are some pitfalls to look out for?
SC, CO and JS: In our book, Babyproofing Your Marriage, we identify four key issues most couples face when they become parents: lack of understanding in terms of the gender barriers that influence men's and women's approaches parenthood, the endless tit-for-tat arguments over the division of labor (scorekeeping), managing the in-laws (and outlaws), and what is often the most combustible of all post-baby squabbles, the dwindling sex life. Here are a few tips to help couples avoid the most common pitfalls and baby proof their marriage:

1. Accept the Great Mom/Dad Divide. Men and women can react to parenthood so differently thanks to our biological hardwiring. We moms tend to focus on caring for our offspring to the exclusion of all else. This Mommy Chip is a good thing biologically speaking, but it can make us pretty compulsive about doing everything just right. Meanwhile, many dads develop provider panic, especially if they become the sole breadwinners. Often this means they don’t seem to notice whose turn it is to do the dishes because they are thinking about work. These not-always-complementary instincts can set the stage for some serious marital conflict. Dad thinks his wife has turned into a control freak and mom thinks her husband just doesn’t get it. It’s important to be aware of your own parenting instincts and realize that occasionally, you may have to keep those instincts in check a little bit. Moms can learn to take a step back and chill out. Dads need to learn to stay in the game. Understand that some of your partner’s incomprehensible actions are just instincts, pure and simple.

2. Avoid Playing Midnight Chicken.
The sleep deprivation caused by caring for a baby can turn the sanest of women into bottle-wielding shrews, reduce grown men to tears, and cause both of you to turn marital molehills into mountains. It can be tempting, but don’t play “I’m-Asleep-and-I-Can’t-Hear-the-Screaming-Baby” games in the middle of the night. You both need sleep, so make a plan to split up nighttime baby duty. Dad gets feeds up until midnight while mom goes to bed early and gets up later—or whatever makes sense for you.

3. Don’t Keep Score.
With a baby in the house the workload explodes. It’s hardly surprising that most of us start arguing with our partner over who has it tougher. “I did seven loads of laundry and you didn’t do any.” “Yeah, well I did all the cooking last week …” If everything is measured on a domestic score-card, soon you both end up feeling resentful and unappreciated. It’s a tit for tat war that no one wins.

Therefore the only plausible solution is to rip up the scorecards, hand in your martyr badges and divide and conquer. Make a list of everything that must be done, from washing the dishes to earning a living and divvy it up. It’s the work that’s the enemy, not each other. And remember, we keep score because we’re looking for validation. Make sure your partner knows you appreciate how hard he or she is working.

4. Avoid Coitus Non Existus.
Most couples with young children experience disconnect in the bedroom. For instance, a woman’s sex drive often goes MIA and most men, however, want sex just as much as they always have—baby or no baby.

Therefore, try to reach across the gap. Guys shouldn’t reduce foreplay to a ten o’clock shoulder tap—women don’t like feeling convenient. Men should keep making a romantic effort, and do their fair share of the baby and house-related work so their wives will have some energy left over for them. It’s important for the men to continue to treat their wives as their girlfriend and not just a ‘mommy’. In addition, we girls should attempt to extract ourselves occasionally from Mommy mode and reclaim our sexuality. There are lots of good reasons why we lose interest in sex —exhaustion and body image issues among them—but there are also lots of good reasons to stay in the game, too. Regular date nights, occasional weekend getaways and remembering the small gestures of intimacy (kissing, handholding, etc) are also good ways to stay emotionally and physically connected with your partner.

5. Beware Of Turf Infringement and Other In-Law Issues.
Everyone wants a piece of the kid action. As a couple you can find yourselves in a family tug of war as grandparents jockey for top billing (we call it The Clash of the Grannies) or barge too far into your fledgling nest. Should a Turf Infringement violation occur, it’s important that you run interference with your own family rather than sending your spouse into the fray. Create appropriate boundaries, and if you’re the Daddy’s girl or Mama’s boy it’s time to cut the cord and put on your grown-up shoes once and for all. Also, keep in mind that grandparents are a huge blessing (usually in disguise). They are among the tiny handful of people who will love your kids as much as you do. Even if they’re annoying, assume they mean well and accept their offers to help. Just think, when your little tyke is at grand’s, you and your mate could use that time to play a much needed game of catch-up.

TFG: What do moms want out of their relationships with their partners?
SC, CO and JS: In writing Babyproofing Your Marriage, we asked hundreds of women how having kids impacted their relationships with their husbands. Most of the women told us that they wanted their partners to improve in one, or all, of the following ways:

1. Be a partner not a helper. Women want their husbands to engage fully on the domestic and parenting fronts. Many men seem to think that if they pitch in, they are doing their wives a favor. As one woman we spoke with put it, “What does he want a gold star for emptying the dishwasher?”

When our husbands want special credit for helping out with the day-to-day minutiae that is parenthood, it drives women mad because this expectation of credit tells us men believe the minutiae are technically not their job. It is, by default, our job, and any assistance they provide is a special gift to us. We want a parenting and domestic partner, not a helper.

2. More appreciation. So many women we spoke with said the same thing, “my husband just doesn’t get it!” “It” being the phenomenal workload involved in being a mother and the pressure to do it all perfectly. Women want so much for their husbands to understand the radical change we have undergone. For many of us empathy is more important than action. One of the main reasons we keep score we is because we feel like our other half doesn’t appreciate how hard we’re working. We want some validation. We want the love of our lives

to tell us “You’re a fantastic mom, I don’t know how you do it.”

3. Romance. All over the country exhausted wives are subjected to the tap—considered by many men to be a form of foreplay, considered by most women to be anything but. When our husbands reduce romance to a paw on the shoulder it makes women feel convenient, like a 7-Eleven, open for business at his convenience. Women want to be romanced. We want to know that our husbands still find us attractive and that we’re still worth a little effort.

TFG: What do dads want out of their relationship with their partners?
SC, CO and JS: We also spoke with hundreds of men. When we asked them what they wanted from their partners the resounding response was sex.

1. Sex—alright, no surprise there. But what was surprising to us was the way in which they described why sex was so important to them. We were slightly stunned when men used words like reassurance, recognition, and connection. We learned that sex is more to them than a just physical act; it is also how they connect emotionally with their wives. They also talked about the wheels coming off and the sky falling down when they lost that connection. For example, one husband said that being rejected time and time again was soul destroying. Men want their wives to understand how pivotal sex is to their wellbeing, and how much they need that connection with them. They want

us to make it more of a priority in our lives.

2. Appreciation. Men, just like women, want validation from the person they love. A lot of guys told us that they feel like no matter what they do, at home and at work, it's never enough, and certainly never good enough, to satisfy their wives. They want to hear their wives say, “thanks for working so hard, babe” and “you’re a great dad.”

3. Off-leash time. As much as guys love being dads, they can feel the leash tighten
around their necks as their family grows. They want some guilt-free time off to do things they loved to do before becoming fathers.

TFG: What are the three most important things to remember when it comes to maintaining the harmony in your post-baby relationship? SC, CO and JS:
1. Realize you are not alone. As we said already, relationship hiccups are completely
normal when you’re parenting small kids. So don’t panic! Most couples, no matter how happy and secure their relationship may be, find the early parenting years a challenge. Chances are, any arguments you’re having with your spouse are the same arguments being played out in thousands of homes across America. The realization that these issues are universal, rather than personal, can change how you deal with it. “Why are you doing this to me?" becomes “What are we going to do about it?”

2. A little action goes a long way. It’s the actions we take for each other that add
up to a happier marriage. The little actions—acknowledging how hard your spouse is working, prioritizing your relationship by planning a date night, or giving your spouse an entire eight hours of uninterrupted sleep once in a while—can make a huge difference in your relationship.

3. Make time for each other. Try not to let your adult relationship be defined solely by being parents. Put a little distance between yourselves and the kids. Start with the local pizza place and work your way up to a weekend away. Also, most parents find themselves often referring to their mates as mommy or daddy, when talking to each other. However, if you’re looking for a way to reconnect to your spouse, simply calling your husband my his name (or your pet name for him) makes a big difference, because the psychological attribution would be to him as your husband first and then as a father, instead of vice versa. Your relationship is the lynchpin of the whole family—where there’s a healthy marriage, there are happy kids.

TFG: What are the three most important things to remember when it comes to maintaining harmony for yourself?
SC, CO and JS:
1. This is just a stage. Keep it in perspective. No matter how tough things are right now, no matter how little sleep (or sex) you’re getting, it will pass. Plenty of parenting veterans told us that making the transition to parenthood is one of the toughest—if not the toughest—times we’ll experience in our lives.

2. Quit trying to get your old life back. It’s over. Kill the ghost of your past life. Surrender to the chaos and absolute wonder of parenthood and embrace it wholeheartedly.

3. Make time for yourself. Naturally, your free time gets squeezed when you become a parent. But it’s more important than ever to make a little time to do the things that recharge you. When we don’t take a break, we start to feel worn out (not to mention, look worn out) and we can become damn difficult to live with. You don’t both have to be on all the time. Figure out an off-leash strategy with your partner. For example, he takes the kids on Saturday morning while you go to yoga, and you do the same for him on Sunday so he can get in a jog. Give each other some get-out-of-jail-free cards on a regular basis.

And Baby Makes Three

TFG: What's your advice for handling the new breed of responsibilities and pressures that come with being a parent?
SC, CO and JS: Take a step back, take a deep breath, and try to stay focused on the big picture – that bringing another person into the cocoon of your family is a major transition. You’ll have your bumps along the way and so will your spouse. Give each other some time to adjust. And remember the following mantras as you go along:

Good enough is good enough. Trying to have the perfect kitchen, bedroom, yard, wardrobe, etc. is just not possible after we have kids (if ever). Pursuing perfection can propel us into a cycle of it’s never enough, which just eats away at our marital happiness. There was a time when a husband dressing a child in pajama bottoms for school would have driven us into an apoplectic fit. Life is so much easier now that we’ve lightened up and lowered our standards a little.

There’s no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a great one. We can’t help but get caught up in the über-parenting phenomenon. The societal pressure to be SuperMom can be overwhelming. Don’t invest in too many high-cost, low-value activities, like that first birthday Elmo extravaganza your child proceeds to sleep through or going into open house overdrive when a four-year-old is coming over for a play-date. If it’s draining your energy rather than contributing to your enjoyment of life, just say no.

Your happiness hinges on each other’s. It may seem obvious, but sometimes we don’t act that way. We are our spouse’s best shot at happiness. Whether or not your spouse is happy with his or her life depends, to a large extent, on you. Instead of competing against each other to have it all, try to help each other have it all. Remember you’re on the same team in the game of grownups verses rug-rats.

For more on Babyproofing Your Marriage, go to www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com.