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THE GUILTED AGE
SURVIVING THE MADNESS OF MODERN DAY MOTHERHOOD WITHOUT THE WORKING MOM GUILT
Have you recently dropped off your children at daycare or watched your little one run toward you while the
nanny tried to grab him and felt guilty because you were going to work? If so, you're not alone. A recent
study revealed that as many as 90% of working mothers feel apprehensive about balancing family and work.
Moms, and society at large, debate this issue
endlessly and everyone seems to have a strong
opinion when
it comes to moms in the workforce.
Those who advocate that women stay home with their children cite the
benefit of parental interaction with a child and that fact that a mom cannot be substituted by anyone else.
Those who support working mothers also look at statistics and theories about daycare and how it aids in cognitive maturation and developmental stages.
In the middle of it all are the working mothers themselves. They’re left in a tough predicament, trying to juggle work and family as best as they can and regardless of the situation, whether a mom has to work for financial reason, finds her career fulfilling and could never give it up or simply doesn’t like being at home all day—they often feel guilty. But they shouldn’t.
Dr. Frank Doberman, a clinical psychologist and associate professor of pediatrics at Albany Medical Center explains that while “Kids need time with their moms, quantity is not the issue.” Doberman stresses that working moms, and really all moms, should focus on traditions, meaningful activities and the ability to have established routines with their children because they are the things that create a strong and secure bond between parent and child. “It is not quantity verses quality but more a question of budgeting available time for a mother to complete all the tasks of her life—including parenting,” continues Doberman, “Kids are resilient. Guilt wastes precious time—don't give in to it!”
Take for instance, Matt Schumann’s wife, Anna who works for a consulting firm. He is very supportive of her career, but also shares that juggling work and home commitments is a daunting task. “It’s the impossible task for women. You can’t have it all so you try to make the best of your situation. Anna loves the kids but also feels satisfied at her job—not to mention the fact that it affords us things we couldn’t have on one income.”
Oftentimes working moms have to enter the work force because they simply don’t have another option because money is so salient a factor. “I had to go back to work after my second child,” explains Sarah Jones, who has been working as a regional bank manager for several years, “I didn’t have an option to stay home.”
Money makes for delicate trade-offs. Some mothers have to work to support their families, while others have to give up work because childcare is too expensive. The economically-driven choices can be especially painful for single mothers, who don’t have the emotional, economic or practical assistance of a spouse.
Kate Sosnowski, a financial planner and mother of two young children, says that she chose to go back to work part-time while her children were young, even though she and her husband could have gotten by with just his salary. She echoes a statement common to many professional women, who find it hard to completely trade in their working identify for stay-at-home motherhood. “It was important for me to have something for myself and I tried to find a compromise,” she says.
Despite reasons why mothers may choose to work,at some point the issue of childcare will be at the forefront and not just the monetary cost. It’s hard giving such responsibility for your little loved ones over to someone else. Dr. Doberman says that both nannies and daycares have their place, and that “It’s not that one is better than the other—each provides a choice in a menu of childcare opportunities. Nannies tend to be less inconvenient for children because they come to them and the kids do not have to be rushed out to meet the schedules of the parents.” He continues that “the trade off may be accountability of public settings, and the formal efforts that day cares afford and the focus on and the development of group social skills.”
Part of the issue is that in today’s society, where there are many options, we are focused on finding out the best of everything, and this certainly applies to our children. So when we hear about the outstanding academics at a preschool that’s just a too far of a drive or about the trend in highly educated women giving up work to devote themselves full time to their kids, we second guess ourselves, wondering, even obsessing over whether we are failing our kids.
“Guilt is a habit and a choice,” says Dr. Doberman. “If you choose not to be guilty, then you won't take it on. The habit may be hard to break, some guilt is functional, but most is just a waste of time and energy. Think of guilt as a game of catch— if you are thrown a ball of guilt, you can choose not to catch it.”
As parents, we can certainly use this advice about being guilt free. Working moms need to honestly ask themselves if there’s a good reason for their guilt, and there’s no doubt that children should be any parent’s first responsibility. But if they’re doing their best and their children are loved, they should drop the guilt and give themselves a break. “Parenting is a process of learning. You get better with experience. If you listen to your parenting instinct then you will not go wrong.”
—Anita Doberman
Anita Doberman is a freelance journalist and syndicated columnist whose work has appeared in national publication in the United States, Italy and Australia. She is married to a pilot with the United States Air Force and together they have five children. For more on Anita go to www.anitadoberman.com
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